Wisdom…

The one thing needful
(From the spiritual diary of St. John of Kronstadt, “My Life in Christ”)

What do I need? There is nothing on earth that I need, except that which is most essential. What do I need, what is most essential? I need the Lord, I need His grace, His kingdom within me. On earth, which is the place of my wanderings, my temporary being, there is nothing that is truly mine, everything belongs to God and is temporal, everything serves my needs temporarily. What do I need? I need true and active Christian love; I need a loving heart which takes compassion on its neighbors; I need joy over their prosperity and well-being, and sorrow over their sorrows and illnesses, their sins, failings, disorders, woes, poverty; I need warm and sincere compassion for all the circumstances of their lives, joy for those who are joyous and tears for those who are in tears. Enough of selfishness, egoism, living only for oneself and acquiring everything only for oneself: riches, pleasures, the glory of this world; enough of spiritual dying instead of living, grieving instead of rejoicing, and carrying within oneself the poison of selfishness, for selfishness is a poison that is continuously poured into our hearts by Satan. O, let me cry out with King David: Whom have I in heaven but Thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire besides Thee. My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart. Grant me, O Lord, true life, dispel the darkness of my passions, disperse their power with Thy strength, for with Thee all things are possible!

We Live in a Culture…

of anecdote, a life lived away from a larger narrative. Yet a larger narrative is a kind of stability that keeps us from faddishness, from having our lives jerked from one compelling but temporary story to another. It’s very hard to live a life of all exceptions and no rules, a life of individual moments without a larger explanation.

We live in a world of human drift because a story that feels good at a particular place in time might not have the wisdom, the strength, and the insight to last, leaving the one who lives it constantly on the move from one unsatisfying narrative to another. Left unchecked it can give birth to a world weary cynicism, a life where one believes nothing because everything else has failed to be enduring.

In this sad place there is, however, an invitation. Restless hearts can find a rest in God if they listen to their cynicism and emptiness and hear within it the call to a larger and more enduring story. Anecdotes come and go, truth remains, and Jesus said “I am the way, the truth, and the life.”

Tonight…

we watch the TV while somewhere else the storm rages. It’s quiet here in this part of the country. No ocean, no hurricanes, no lights, camera, action. Minnesota is far away and safe from all of this, tucked at the top and the middle of everything.

Sometimes its good to live in fly over country. No, we don’t get the TV weather coverage they’ll get in New York.  We can have two feet of snow and 60 mile per hour winds and the networks will give us 20 seconds tops. Yet there is a quiet here away from the coasts that pays us back for not being in the eye of whatever happens to be the current storm.

We’ll keep you in our prayers, all of you who are hunkered down in the face of the winds. We know lousy weather here in the upper Midwest and we sympathize more than you know. And when the time comes we’ll roll up our sleeves and help as we can because that’s what we do.

Yet if the bright lights and tall buildings are in New York City, and they are, there are times when its better not to be in the center of everything. Tonight is such a time. Storms come and go, but tonight everything is quiet in fly over land.

Psalm 16…

Psalm 16

Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”
As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.
Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Owner of a Broken Heart…

Back to the doctor’s office yesterday because my heart had been fluttering around for several days. EKG. Stethescopes. No emergency. Stress test next Wednesday. I think this will be the third.

Let this cup pass away from me…  Yet it apparently is not to be. Genetics. Stress. Who knows but it seems my heart is from now on going to be at the center of my life. I listen to it, feel it, pray about it, and every so often I head into the doctor’s office to get in checked out.  Never the less thy will be done…

The first time your heart starts whirring around your chest its terrifying. No one pays much attention to their heart. It’s just supposed to be there, silently ticking away, awake even when you sleep. Palpitations are a rude interuption to all of that. The bottom part of the heart is trying, in my case, to help out the top by pushing harder.  That push means you’re alive, that the back up systems have kicked in. That’s good but it feels like the whole thing is going to explode.

Over time you get more used to it. You can just tell when everything is in sinus rhythm and when things are fluttering. The fluttering is not fatal, its just annoying, and its a sign that one day your heart, like everyone else’s, will eventually malfunction without the capacity for repair.

Obviously I don’t like that. Who would? I have a little thing inside my chest that tells me one day my systems will fail. I would like to live for years and years just out of curiousity for whatever comes next but those little bumps remind me this is not to be, for me, or for anyone else for that matter.

Perhaps God is His good grace will see fit to divinely heal that which has been broken by sin. Yet if that is not the case I have no intention of cursing God and dying in response to this setback. My life was, is, and always will be in His hands and I know that He loves me. If the worst were to happen, and I’m a long way from the worst, I hope it would be quick because I tend to ponder things too much. Yet where can I go where God’s love is not? Ultimately I will trust that God knows me in all my strengths and my brokenness and loves me.

And that’s the gift in all of this. In easy times the heart and mind can wander, drifting away from all that the important and good and from the One who is goodness Himself. We labor under the illusion of our own strength. We forget the larger and eternal things. Everything gets out of focus.

There’s nothing like being attached to a heart monitor to dramatically make everything real again, especially God. There’s no way for me to fake it, no sweet smile to make it all go away. I can see my heart beating, each flicker of light one more second of this life. I need God, not just an accessory but because I am afraid, can’t often see beyond my shoes, and I’m trying to make sense of it all.  I need a place to rest that is beyond me, because”me” is the owner of a broken heart.

As the journey continues I will not give in to despair. There may be no answers to “Why me?” but I have a life wish, for this life and the next. I plan on grabbing hold of Jesus with a, pardon the pun, “death grip” and stay as close as I can until whatever breath is my last arrives. Whether I live to be old or discover that time is not on my side His life will be mine, not because I deserve it but because I have sense enough to take the Gift when it is offered.

Until that day when I am called Home I plan to live, and love, and enjoy, beacuse that, too,  is God’s gift to me.  After all, nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ. Let the future present itself. I am in good hands.

Dear Vikings Fans…

it’s a pretty good feeling to be sitting at 4-1 right now, especially after last season and the tough times we’ve had. Let’s enjoy it but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The NFL is designed for parity, that is a deliberate attempt to spread the wealth when it comes to wins. Not so good teams, like last year’s version of the Vikings, get easier schedules the next year. Good teams, like last year’s Packers, get harder ones. The idea, at least in theory, is that on any given Sunday or any given season the wins and losses MAY be spread around and people will keep on paying attention to a team because there is a probability of winning or staying in contention. Of course, it doesn’t always work this way, but it’s designed to have us believe that this year our team could win and that keeps the money flowing.

Yet we Vikings fans seem to run hot and cold. Win a few games and we’re off to the Super Bowl. Lose a few and we want everyone fired. I get it, we’ve come close but have never made it to the top. So we desperately want our team to win even as we brace ourselves for disappointment. There’s a better way.

Simply enjoy each game, one at a time, neither projecting success too far ahead or collapsing in despair. Have fun on Sunday, yell, be with friends, cheer the team, and have a good time. Each moment of success is a plus, and when a loss comes, and it will, don’t write off the team forever. It’s just football. If the whole thing gets out of hand why just take a good walk outside and get some fresh air.

That all being said, this season has been, so far, a nice ride and I hope it continues. There are some tough teams ahead in the schedule and the meat of the divisional play doesn’t come for a while so just hold on and enjoy the trip.

Skol, Vikings!

If I Were President…

I would give the following speech, perhaps as a resignation.

My Fellow Americans,

For years there has been an abiding and central myth in American culture and politics, the myth of unending prosperity. For decades we’ve talked about it, shouted it during every election, and used it to obtain the privileges of power we now hold. It has become our true religion, as it were, a creed for a life lived with accumulation as the marker for success and the promise that those who come after it will have even more.

Both the people in my party and the other have this in common. We may have different strategies and policies to realize this but essentially we agree that our job is to gain and hold political power on the promise that you and those after you will have more of whatever is dictated by the fashion of the time. It’s an arrangement that has served us well. We promise, you wait for the flow of godds to come your way, and if we fail the others are to blame.

And to date there have been some good things that have come of it. There is a good kind of progress that comes when diseases can be cured, the world made safer, and the common good is served. The drive to accumulate has its positive side affects. The desire for a better, which basically means more prosperous, future has broken the sound barrier, sent us to the farthest reaches of our solar system, and brought a kind of longevity to our lives that would be the marvel of centuries past.

Yet somehow in the euphoria of all of this we’ve forgotten a simple fact. There are limits. Advanced medicine can delay but not prevent death. Every source of energy has waste that we must deal with. We can’t keep spending money we don’t have and expect it not to affect our future. And finally we have to disabuse ourselves of the notion that we are entitled to never ending always ascending economic prosperity.

There are limits. As vast and rich as our planet is it is still a finite system. There is much but there are also many who need it. In the past the strong were able to survive because they took what they needed and left whatever they wished for others. This seemed to be based on the assumption that strength was as unlimited as the resources, that strength was a form of validation in and of itself.

Much of what we call the “American Dream” is rooted in this understanding. Accumulation is strength and strength is the validation of the accumulation. Yet there is a question in all of this that never seems to be asked, namely “To what end?”

Prosperity without generosity is meaningless. Accumulating for its own purpose is a kind of slavery. Accepting blessings without thought of charity is selfishness.  Advancing while leaving others behind is the kettle in which war is brought to boil.  We’ve missed this. We’ve missed how we’re linked together. We’ve missed how we are, in fact, our brother’s keeper. We’ve forgotten that the world is larger than our own little world.

And now to the hard part. Government can’t do a blessed thing about this because government in this country reflects the attitude of the governed. If you think government is selfish and stupid it’s because we’ve become, as a culture, selfish and stupid. If we who run for office promise you unending rewards with little cost it’s because we know that if we said something different you wouldn’t hear it. It’s like we’ve both ignored the elephant in the room and seem quite happy with the arrangement.

The change that needs to happen is actually inside each of us. We have to kick the consumer habit. We have to go cold turkey on the idea that the next big thing is what will solve our problems and make us happy. We have to forget the notion that government exists to ensure the myth of unending prosperity. We’ve got to rewrite the story on more realistic terms and wake up from the American dream.

It will be hard. We’ve lived this way for so long that its absurdity has become normal in the same way that a drug becomes the normal life of an addict. We’ll have to face hard realities. We’ll need to make choices beyond our self interest. And the government won’t be able to help you because it, too, has to wake up the the dream as well.

We’ll need a whole generation of people to say “I will live and work only so much as to provide for my reasonable comfort and commit myself to sharing the rest for the common good.” We’ll need a whole generation focused on that which is higher, brighter, enduring, and dare I say it, even eternal, over and against the needs of a moment. We’ll need a generation of people willing to remember the lessons of the past and understand that choices made now will affect a developing future. We’ll need a generation of people who see themselves as part of something larger than they are not as a result of some government mandate but because of a genuine concern for the other. We need a moral sea change.

And you, the people have to lead because we in the government simply don’t have that kind of vision at the present. We will, in time because when the people lead the leaders will follow, but right now this archaic and creaking house needs a fresh breath of wind through the windows, a new coat of paint on the fading exterior, and everything inside gutted and made new. That will take time.

Until then each of us can become the kind of person we’d like our culture to be. Each of us can choose the right even if the powers that be still struggle with it. Each of us can be the future we wish for our children. Each of us can take responsibility for ourselves and the common good.

It won’t be the American dream we’ve come to know. It’ll be better because it will be real.

Thank you and good night.

Only a sinner…

The past couple of days have seen my writing caught up in the issues related to Orthodox faith and the upcoming election in Minnesota where a mong the items is a constitutional amendment affirming the definition of marriage as one man and one woman. The responses have been largely thoughtful and interesting.

Yet one thing is very important to know. I wish I could have come to my conclusions about sexuality and marriage from a holy perspective. I wish I had the followed the path that our Faith laid out for me in these matters, but I didn’t. I’m not going to go into the gory details but suffice it to say I came of age in the late 70’s and early 80’s, the era of “sex, drugs, and rock and roll”, and I managed to fit all of them into my schedule.

I’ve never really spoken much about this because frankly it’s not something I really want to revisit very often. I’m ashamed of some of the things I did and sometimes I look back and say “My God, what was I thinking?” I hurt people and used them, people who didn’t deserve to be hurt and used. I hurt myself as well and brought issues and struggles into my life that continue to this day. God forgives, restores, heals, and makes new. When sanity returned both my wife and I did follow the Good path, she had never left and I caught up to her, but it doesn’t mean that what happened didn’t happen and that I was made permanently immune to its effects.

I was a lonely kid in high school, looking for love, acceptance, people to be my friend, and some larger purpose. There were a lot of short cuts out there that promised some, most, or all of what I needed and I took some of them. Yet what I truly needed continued to elude me. There were lots of blind alleys to travel, lots of easy but treacherous paths. In the end, though, the bill was way higher than the benefits, the check far more costly than the meal was worth.

The truth is that I’m far from an example of perfection. I’m basically a sinner immeasurably helped by God’s grace and somehow elevated to a dignity as Priest that I never will deserve. So many of the things I know, so many of the things I talk about, are not based on some superior wisdom but rather on my own experiences sticking, as it were, my foot into a bear trap enough times to finally realize that it might not be a good idea.

All I know for sure is that there is a better way. a way that revolves in and around Jesus. It took me a while to figure that out, and sometimes I still miss the point, but from what I’ve glimpsed of it there is nothing better. I want people to know about this way. I want people to experience it. I would rather have people not experience the pain, the struggle, and the heartbreak that comes from looking for good water in empty wells.

So if i get a little fervent sometimes please forgive. There are times when I feel like a person waving madly at passing cars, trying to get them to notice that the bridge is out. Just know that it isn’t about me, about politics, about money, or anything else except to hope you find what I want my words and life to be about, Jesus.

Orthodox but…

Orthodox Christianity is way of life, a way of looking and acting in the world as a follower of Christ that is all inclusive and comes, over time, to fill every part of our lives, in fact to become our life. This is a difficult thing because it requires radical transformation of our entire being. In time we are asked to replace who we are at any given moment with who we were designed to be by God. We are called to die to ourselves to find true life.

Along the way there is resistance. Our old life is not always willing to let go. Even the most pious seem to be able to find pockets of resistance hidden in dark corners and the much less pious, like myself, can find all we need in plain view. Because the reward is high the demands are high and easier roads can be very alluring.

Yet it can’t be “I’m Orthodox but…” Authentic Orthodoxy touches every aspect of life and there is no place in a human life outside of its claims. There are no separate rules for politics, business, sexuality, intellect, the list can go on.  If Orthodoxy is to be lived effectively, in its most blessed and saving sense, its claim on the human must be complete and ongoing.

Now I’m not saying this because I have achieved anything. In many ways  I have not even yet come to know what I don’t know. Yet this truth I do know and my failures to live it do not negate it. If I am to be truly Orthodox there are no “but’s” allowed, no compromises, just one glorious journey. If I am to be faithful I am slated to be a stranger in this world, staying where I can but ever on a trek to my true home.

This is not easy. I will fail. I will try to negotiate God down to something that I believe better suits my needs. I will look for the small print at the bottom of the contract. Its what we broken humans do. Yet in the end I hope to lose this bout with God, to say “uncle” as it were or better yet “Abba Father” and come to know eternal life.