A Good Thought…

 

How blessed and wonderful, beloved, are the gifts of God! Life in immortality, splendor in righteousness, truth in boldness, faith in confidence, continence in holiness: and all these things are submitted to our understanding. What, then, are the things which are being prepared for those who wait for Him? The Creator and Father of the ages, the All-holy One, Himself knows their greatness and beauty. Let us then strive to be found among the number of those that wait, that we may receive a share of the promised gifts.

St. Clement of Rome, Letter to the Corinthians 35.1-4 late 1st century

Worth Considering…

“The more people deviate from the natural simple life and move toward luxury, the more human stress increases. And as worldly politeness expands, simplicity, joy and the natural human smile are lost.”

Elder Paisios of Mt. Athos

More Wisdom..

Not only should we observe moderation with food, but we must also abstain from every other sin so that just as we fast with our stomach, we should fast with our tongue. Likewise, we should fast with our eyes; i.e. not look at agitating things, not allow your eyes freedom to roam, not to look shamelessly and without fear. Similarly, arms and legs should be restrained from doing any evil acts.

Abba Dorotheus of Gaza, 6th century

Sinus Rhythm…

About 9 this morning one of my doctors told me I was back in sinus (normal) rhythm. That means my heart is, at least temporarily out of atrial fibrillation. Something we take for granted, the steady thump thump of our heart, and now mine seems back into some semblance of normality.

I don’t know exactly who to thank. There were friends, family, strangers, Saints, all praying for me. There were doctors and nurses and all kinds of medical people helping me through. The glory, ultimately, belongs to God who heals and is the source of all helpful and healing wisdom but I’m grateful to everyone who stood in the gap for me.

Of course it’s not over, yet. It may not be over until I pass on into eternity. This thing will be hanging over my head, the shadow always in the background. Yet I’m not going to worry too much. Life throws things at you and you need to do what you need to do. In my case it was to draw closer to God and find a way to work back to health so that I can serve Him.

God has always given me grace more than I deserve and these past days have been no exception. The only thing I want out of the rest of my life is to be whatever God wants me to be. That’s a scary promise, for sure, but I’m going to try my best to fulfill it. My heart tells me I’m getting older and that my systems can have trouble and even fail. My faith tells me I’m each day a little closer to being where I was meant to be in the first place. Between then and now is my life and I hope to make the best of it, the best of it meaning God’s best.

Thank you for all your prayers. I am moved by them. To whatever Saint(s) was interceding for me thank you. Gracious God help me to remember to number my days so I can increase in wisdom.

 

Whitney Houston…

Artists need to understand something.

You may feel that your art is an expression of some of the deepest parts of your being. Often that’s very true. You may see it as the work of your lifetime, the reason you get up in the morning, the beauty in the drabness. Yet to the people who make a living off from your creativity its a business, a way to make money, and you are the one delivers the commodity they sell.

There’s a whole group of people out there who eat from your table. They scour the world looking for the next big thing and if they can find it, find a way to package and market it for sale, the people who provide it can become famous in an instant and fabulously wealthy. That a big “if” by the way.

Its a dark arrangement. As a musician you must sell your art in one form or another if you want to make a living at it so you find yourself in relationships with people who want to exploit your work for profit. There’s nothing necessarily bad about it but you, as an artist, need to understand that when push comes to shove you’re a commodity, your gift is something to be traded on the market. You may not like it but sometimes your masterpiece ends up as a car commercial. You get a check, they get your soul. Yet it keeps food on the table and that’s not all bad.

Whitney Houston was beautiful, possessed of an impossibly good voice, and when she was on her game she glowed like the sun. Even if you didn’t like her work you had to admit to the talent behind it. Now they say she may have been broke when she died. Who knows? Rumors. Yet she seemed to be in trouble, pills, alcohol, life stresses. They say you could hear it in her voice. Maybe as long as the money rolled in nobody particularly cared what happened. Just prop her up, get her on stage, and count the cash. Maybe the mythology of fame overcame her until one day her body couldn’t pay the bills. I don’t know.

I’m just sad for her. In the end there were reports that people in the music business were raising the prices of her downloads and who knows what album is yet to come. She’ll get none of it, maybe her family will. She seemed to be a beautiful and gifted soul who became a commodity with everybody trying to get a piece of the action. When the value began to diminish she became just another crazy celebrity and the industry  moved on to the next voice to sell.

All I wish her is peace. I want her to be that little girl again singing in her church without the thought of schedules, sessions, business people, and no other fan than God. I suspect the good things can be very cool, but you’ve got to keep your heart.

Something I Need Work On…

“Try to fill your soul with Christ so as not to have it empty. Your soul is like a cistern full of water. If you channel the water to the flowers, that is, to the virtues, you will experience true joy and all the thorns of evil will wither away. But if you channel the water to the weeds, these will grow and choke you and all the flowers will wither.”

Elder Porphyrios

I've Been Gone…

for a while and not of my own choice.

In the week before this my heart began thumping, not in the anxiety attack style but more like I had been running for days uphill. At times it would stop, then it would start again. Finally Sunday brought me to the doctor, embarrassed to think it was just about nerves, pride wounded a bit, and I was attached to an EKG. The doctor returned with a reasonably somber face and said “You need to get to the hospital immediately your heart is in atrial fibrilation.”

I arrived at the emergency room at United Hospital and they already knew I was coming. Shirt off. Vitals taken. Hooked up to a new EKG. Nurses and doctors in and out. Atrial fibrilation, apparently, gets you to the front of the line at ER. Then we waited. More people came in and out. My heart popped in and out of sinus (normal) rhythm. They were going to discharge me, then not.

Its an electrical thing with me. As I stayed in the hospital my heart was x-rayed, ultra-sounded, blood work was done, and no cause was found. I have a perfectly normal, undamaged heart except for the fact that the top part and the bottom part can’t seem to find a way to get into sync. Though it seems weird there’s no danger to it, apparently I can live the rest of my life with it and just make sure that my blood stays thin and I’ll be okay.

But it hasn’t stopped yet. The hope is that my heart will set itself back into a normal rhythm but to date it hasn’t. Medicine keeps it from going too fast, two aspirins keep the blood from clotting (the only real danger from prolonged a fib is that pooled blood in the atrium may develop clots) and when my heart rate was stabilized I was sent home.

So what now?

Well now is rest and now is staying at home to get my strength back. Exertion is a problem and stairs wipe me out. Work is out of the question this week and I have lots of time to think, ponder, pray, and watch westerns on TV. There are a lot of questions about what the future will bring. I don’t want to be an old man until its absolutely necessary.

Yet it happened, for no known reason but it still did. I’ve been amazed at how many people were praying for me, the people that stopped in, and by the love of my wife. I hope some day, by the grace of God, to be healed, to have a heart that returns to its normal rhythm but for now I’m like a bird trying out new wings, flapping them a bit more and more to see what happens. Stand up. Walk. Stretch a bit. Let’s see what my ticker can take. Eat like a rabbit and sleep whenever the urge is present.

I have no idea what will happen next. The doctors have told me that this is not life threatening, but it is life changing. I have no intention of cursing God and dying as Job was advised to do. I have a thorn in the flesh that I presume was allowed to help me draw close to God. In some ways I am more alive than when I went into the hospital.

So we’ll see. Everything, including my life, is in God’s hands. Just remember me in your prayers because if nothing else I want to make it to church this Sunday.

Epitaph for a Band…

From the time I was a child I loved music and loved making it happen. I performed for people in grade school and in all the turbulent years between then and grad school music was my companion. I survived high school largely because the music rooms were always open and welcoming when the lunch room wasn’t. In those days I believe God listened to my music and not my prayers because my music was real. I dreamed of being a performer, played in church when I could because I was the Pastor, and thought through it all that maybe, perhaps, my time would come.

It did, in the form of the local jams and one person who stepped out and formed a group with me. The local jams opened up to me almost magically. They were places where I could hone my skills, be challenged, be affirmed, and find people to make music with for the sheer love of doing it. Bassists need people, we give other musicians a foundation and they give us wings.  In the jams I found out that I could not only survive but thrive, not simply muddle along but excel. And then there was Ross.

Ross was in his middle 60’s when we first met at the jams. His songs were eclectic, interesting, things not always heard but still worth listening to. He had the blues and I, with my double bass, had the rhythm. Quiet, spiritual, laid back, and funny he was, and is, easy to make music with, a mellow bastion of sanity in a music world full of pathological egos. We started playing together, Cajun songs, mining songs, folk songs, reggae songs, whatever suited our fancy.  Then we traveled. Open mics, coffee shops, farmer’s markets, on the streets in Stillwater. People liked us. In a folk music world full of artists with morbid obsessions we were a dance band. As I said to one person “Ross and I have baggage, we just don’t sing about it.”

And people would join us, friends filling in at shows or coming up on stage during open mics. There was the two of us and whoever dropped in. Sometimes I would be on stage taking it all in and think to myself “This is really happening, this is really happening.” When the shows were done we’d practice at Ross’ house on a porch overlooking a pond, our only audience his two dogs who’d curl up on a chair and listen while we worked out the details.

Later we added Tilden, a talented mandolinist and guitarist and a generally good egg. We became regulars at a few coffee shops and made the kind get up and dance at the St. Paul Farmer’s Market.  Finally, in the last few months, Collette, quiet and soulful with a passionate voice. Of course we were busy, we had lives, but those moments carved out with the band were special.

Yet things, all things and all people, grow old and tired. Ross needed to rest and be what he wants to be, a great soul playing music with friends. Tilden and I have other projects. Collette, I don’t know but there’s a place for her and I’d like to think that someday we’ll be listed in her biography as a place she got her start. The ending caught us, in some ways, by surprise but I think down in our heart we may have known all along.  Right now all I can see is that special kind of happy sadness that comes when something of joy runs its natural course.

So here’s to Shoulder to the Plow, the little group where my lifelong dream of playing music for people finally came true, the little group that made people tap their toes while they sipped their coffee, the little group whose heart will always be on Ross back porch. Thank you for everything. Yes, of course we’ll bump in to each other somewhere, somehow because music makes us friends and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And now on to whatever is next, all things being on God’s good hands.

A Good Thought…

‘ We must always remember that we are not condemned for the multitude of our evils, but because we do not want to repent and learn. And those who have sinned must not despair. Let that never be.’

St. Mark the Ascetic