Just a gentle note to all those who seek to be comforters in a time of mourning.

Two things you should always avoid saying.

First never say “It was God’s will…” because we simply don’t know that with any specificity.

Second avoid saying “It’s a blessing…” because it never is. Death is grotesque even at its best and all those who experience it would much rather trade thier “blessing” for whatever your “blessing” is any time.

Now, that being said all of us are grateful for the prayers and letters and calls and emails that have come to us in this time. We literally feel a certain peace and strength in this time because of it. We are humbled, as well, by the outpouring of love and affection for Paul. Our loss is terrible but these things are a sweet balm of healing and we thank you.

A short while ago a devout Christian with whom I worked came to comfort me at the loss of my brother.

She’s the genuine article, a real person of faith who tries to make it matter in a very confusing world, but something she said took me back. “It’s going to be alright” she said “It was God’s will”. Now I know she meant well but…

No, it was not God’s will!

It was not the desire of God’s heart that my brother die in a hotel room in Los Angeles. Or that anyone for that matter suffers and dies. If anything it is Satan’s desire, with each death and each pain being a way to stick a diabolical finger, as it were, in God’s eye.

Yes, but God could have prevented it!

And the answer is yes, God could have, and I don’t understand why providence chose this time and place and way for my brother’s earthly life to end. I may never. And right now its everything I can do to hold on to the idea of a plan and a guidance to all of this, a meaning that’s real but just escapes me at the moment. I trust it all makes sense to my brother already yet it’s only honest to say if any belief or faith is present in this time its not rooted in what I see or feel.

Remarkably, in all of this I know in a place beyond my emotions and my logic that God is still working to make all things new and somehow this dreadful thing, this epitome of all that is broken and wrong with humanity, has a place in it all. That is God’s will, and somehow my brother leaving this life is part of it.

It makes no sense at all but at the same time it seems very true.

At 2:40 PM today I have an appointment with my doctor.

I will ask, no even demand, that my heart be checked out and not just with the once over via stethescope.

You see after he died they discovered that my brother had advanced arteriosclerosis, an enlarged heart, and possible evidence of a prior heart attack. He was a non smoker, moderate drinker, golfer, bicycle rider, and not anyone you would have looked at and said “There’s a heart attack waiting to happen…” The only symptom that something was wrong was the heart attack that robbed us of his life and made the world poorer by one decent man.

So off to the doctor I go and if you have a history of heart disease in your family (and mine does) or you have those tell tales signs of heart distress don’t wait and don’t let the doctors use their conventional wisdom and tell you you’re too young or its all in your head. Go, get it dealt with, even if you have to cancel that meeting or miss that appointment.

There is so much at stake.

Yesterday, in the early morning, in Los Angeles, my brother Paul died.

Even as I write this it seems unreal and so out of order for the way things should be. And so unfair.

Apparently he, and we, and all of us did not know that his poor heart was fading away even as he seemed to remain so very strong and alive. And while he was talking to his wife on the phone before going off to work it just stopped. Now its our hearts that are broken.

I make no sense of this because in my mind I see none. Nothing about this fits any logic I know and part of me is angry and frustrated in a primal way. I should not be crying with a widow in her early 40’s. I should not be trying to help a 12 year old kid make sense of it all. But it is what it is and all hope that this is a bad dream was shattered when I woke up this morning and came to realize that I have been denied the terrible comfort of this all being a nightmare.

Yet I do not fear for his soul as I know he loved the Lord. And even as he will miss in an earthly way all the joys of this life, the graduations, the weddings, the grandchildren, all the things he deserved he will also never grow old, never grow broken and sad and tired as is the lot of all us who remain. Time and its pains have no hold on him anymore, only glory remains and the incredible life of heaven in which we all are what we should be, where we should be, and in the presence of Love in its purest form.

I would be selfish to deny him this.

Yet my pain is so deep that I am nearly unable to function and I cannot imagine that of his wife and children and our mother who now has to face the indescribable task of burying her own child. Faith rises like an instinct and there is a very calm place in the center of things in myself and in all of us despite the intense bitterness of these days but I still hurt in ways I never imagined.

God, the river is deep and cold, the current is swift, and I fear for the crossing. Yet stay with me and I will walk on.

The temperature outside is beginning to feel more like autumn although officially its still summer.

Around here we call it “good sleeping weather” when the evening air is cool and the humidity of the summer has passed. You can keep your windows open as the temperature drops in to the 60’s (farenheit) and just a light blanket is all you need for a good night’s rest.

September is Minnesota’s way of apologizing for weather that always seems to be wrong somehow. Too hot, too cold, too rainy, too snowy, too much of something nearly always and its unpredictability has made TV meteorologists stars and the rest of us gripers. But somehow September is different. Everything is basically steady and pleasant as if nature herself has taken a rest from making war on us and we celebrate the truce.

The colors will appear as well. At first they will be just touches of orange and red in the leaves but by the end of the month and the early part of October the hills will seem to be on fire with the glory of fall. The drive to LaCrosse, through the Mississippi River valleys through the bluff country, is particularly remarkable. Tourists come from literally all over the country to see nature’s last show before winter. The locals call them “leaf watchers” and they descend on the area with the whirring sounds of cameras and fill the local registers with cash.

There are tangible benefits to being a traveling Priest and this season reminds me of them. Whether I was on the road through the woods to the prairies of North Dakota or along the river to LaCrosse there are moments of beauty in the quiet of the car that are real but cannot be perfectly explained. You just know. I cherish them and look forward to the drive south even now as I am typing this as part of the last details of work before I head out.

This change in the weather also brings out the best in me. I like it cool and wish that September’s weather was the standard for the whole year. With all due respect to the Floridians I do like to visit but would probably turn into a maniacal killer if forced to live there all year round. I even like Fargo, high and wide on the North Dakota plains and driven by winds that come unchecked from the steppes of Canada.

With the change in the weather my pace quickens, the sleepy days of summer pass, and the preparations for the winter come in earnest. The church, diminished by the vacations of summer, returns to life again and the horizon expands even as the daylight shrinks away. All in all it is a good time of the year.

And I must be on my way.

I do remember September 11, where I was and what I was doing.

My wife told me on the phone that a plane had struck the World Trade Center and I assumed some crazy pilot had taken his Cessna into one of the buildings. TV coverage would later, grimly, correct that assumption.

I remember, too, watching as the towers fell live on TV. I can’t imagine that anyone expected it and the great unblinking electric eye passively observed as 1000’s of lives ended in a collapse of steel and fire. The world stood still for a moment and then my thoughts went to the whereabouts of my sister, then living in Connecticut. She was okay. She could see the smoke, but she was okay.

Two days earlier I had flown from Pittsburgh on my way home from the Antiochian Village. I remember joking with an acquaintance named Ibrahim about what trouble I could get in to if I told people my luggage was handled by an Egyptian guy named Ibrahim. We laughed. I presume he made it safely to Los Angeles and then home to Brazil, but I don’t know. I do know you can get a nasty body cavity search and maybe a few years in prison for that joke now.

I’ve not been happy with the world since that time. Its not about fear but more about what the five years since that time have brought out in me and all of us.

I remain disappointed in our leaders for whom this incident continues to evoke not the noblest of the arts of statecraft but a continual and crass game of political advantage. At times it does not seem fair that several thousand innocents were killed while several hundred politicians were spared. And still the actions of the rescuers in New York and the passengers of flight 93 are by far more decent, more noble, more brave, and more pure than anything that has come out of Washington before, during, or since that time, all parties, no exceptions.

I remain puzzled, as well, as to how blind we are to the reality of evil, how desensitized our therapeutic culture has become to the idea of the diabolical. Some things in the world are not about the trauma of youth, or the results of economic disadvantage, or some vague form of improper care but reflect a very dark part of us that is always prone to disorder and violence and needs to remain in check. Even still there are those who cannot understand that there is evil in the hearts of men, an empty hole that cannot be filled with any amount of empathy or understanding.

And finally I mourn the loss of the greatness of the American spirit in all of this. How quickly the kindness, the generosity, the sympathy, and the collective sense of our being a people evaporated. Days, months, weeks?Who knows? But even the sight of thousands of people dying in dire circumstances has done little to change the terminal velocity of our selfishness. We pay official homage but our hearts are no different. We have no time for anything else because our noses are jammed into the trough or obsessed with the idea of how we can get into it.

Yet there is some light. We saw again how short and fragile life is and how the things that have mattered for all of time still do. The people in the collapsing towers and falling airplanes spoke, as much we know of it, little of business or work or deadlines or tasks or politics but rather of love, family, faith, and how to face the end. Thier voices are prophetic although sadly we’ll probably need to have a few more doses before the message gets through in a substantial way. And some really did discover faith, either in some final moment or upon reflection of the events. Perhaps some have been freed from the tyranny of the transitory by all of this. Is it worth all the deaths? No. But it may have opened some doors and only God knows where that will lead.

Peace comes from inside.

An external order can aide or hinder that peace but it cannot create it.

People place hopes in some utopian system or structure to create peace but since they are all created or populated by humans they can at best only ensure compliance but not peace.

The Muslims who think there will be a golden age when all the world is forcibly islamicized ignore thier own history of war and chaos and the current slaughter of Muslim against Muslim that is part and parcel of our world. But they aren’t alone. Christians living in Christian cultures have killed each other as well.

I think that’s why Jesus tells us that he leaves us peace of a kind that the world cannot provide, a kind of kingdom that lives inside of us and from there manifests itself to the world and not something outside that tries to force our life into compliance.

Without that understanding everything will just be endless cycles of darkness punctuated by shadows.

Our leaders have become children, perhaps were never anything else, and so we must be adults on thier behalf.

For the past few weeks I’ve been enjoying a new arrival in my house, an Epiphone Mm20 mandolin.

It’s not the fanciest one around, I’ve seen them on sale for over 20 k but it’s good to start and each time I play it I’m reminded of why I purchased it in the first place. Even in the worst practices there are these moments of sweet sound that break through and nothing is as sweet as a mandolin properly caressed.

I’ve also been scanning all kinds of mandolin websites and even found a site www.live365.com where you can hear all kinds of music on a fast connection and a web station that plays only mandolin so I can hear what’s possible and aim high.

Interesting, though, what the mandolin sites have to say about how to develop as a player. Practice every day. Strive to master the basics and then your other skills will come along. Don’t forget that the relationship between a player and the mandolin is long term.

Sounds a lot like what Christian discipleship should be.

Amazing that I can grasp that with something made out of wood and wire but forget it so easily when it comes to faith.

I don’t know if I’ve adequately explained why it is that I travel back and forth from St. Paul, Minnesota to LaCrosse, Wisconsin every weekend.

Its about money and freedom.

I like our system here in the United States. The government declares no religion to be the State Religion (the real meaning of that often contested phrase “Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion…) and each religious body has to thrive on its own, carried only by the support of its adherents. This idea, unique at the time of the founding of this country, is pure genius because it allows for religious diversity and the effect has been that the United States ranks as one of the most religiously observant nations in the Western World even though no person is compelled to directly support a religious body by taxes.

So we have to raise our own money at St. Elias, the goodwill and generosity of the community is all that we have. And for a smaller church that often means making a hard choice between the support of a Priest and other vital ministries. Thankfully most Parishes will scrimp and save and work overtime to afford the costs related to a Priest but then important things that would help the church grow get left behind because all the resources are used to care for the clergy. Its a terrible cycle and can trap a church in a place where it is always spinning its wheels as it were and never moving ahead.

Ideally everyone in a Parish would give very generously and much of this problem would be eliminated. More support for missions and small parishes would be appreciated but quite frankly its just not there. So there is one more way as old as the New Testament. The Apostle Paul, a tentmaker by trade, did just that at various points in his ministry to support himself and build the church as well. Quite literally he had two jobs.

Now if St. Elias is going to make it that seems to be the only way to break out of being trapped by neglecting important ministries to direct resources to the support of a Priest. So I work here in Minnesota and draw a small salary in LaCrosse. The rest of the money goes in to the bank where it is invested for the future. Each dollar given is a little bit of freedom from the tyranny of having to neglect important ministries due to a lack of resources. Some time in the future when the financial padding is thick enough I can move down and not have to worry about our Parish being able to follow the call of God because we don’t have the cash.

By the way, there is nothing noble about this on my part. The travel is easy, the people of St. Elias are good, and having the “wolf away from the door” also allows me to not have to call the Bishop at some future date and ask for a transfer because there is no support left. Its a win win thing built on the cost of a little fatigue and wear and tear on my car.

Now some people complain, a lot, about thier parish and how they seem to always be asking for money. And some parishes are living in luxury and still find a way to gripe. To the first I can tell you that I know every Bishop or Priest would love to never have to mention money ever again, but that requires people to giving willingly, generously, and without prompts. The laws of economics also apply to the parish and Cadillacs can never be bought at Yugo prices, what services come out are directly related to what resources go in. To the second I would ask you to be thankful and use your wealth as a parish for good things in the world. To whom much is given much is required.

I’ve seen so much of Interstate 90 in my year as a traveling priest that I can start to tell when the billboards change along the road. The folks at the Microtel Hotel in Onalaska know me by face. The car is coming very close to being able to drive all by itself through sheer repitition.

But the cycle of poverty at St. Elias is also starting to break. A few years from now that will make all the difference.