The distress one feels…

when someone or something they love is going through hard times is a sign of the love that exists. Our hearts are troubled because those people or things  which are  important to us, mean something to us,  or are included as part of our lives, appear threatened and our love makes their pain more acute and real.

Thank God for this pain and discomfort, this sad grieving reminder of love. It tells us we’re still connected, that there are places in our life that haven’t been given over to meaninglessness, and this love that pains us when its object is challenged, or hurt, or threatened is also the love that when transformed by grace will help us find our way home.

I guess I'm a prude…

these days. I shouldn’t be as I presumably have everything to gain. The rules were written by and for people like me, an American man. Everything with everyone is okay and if that’s not how you want it then you need to shut up and crawl back under your rock.

So why the “prude”.

Its not that I’m the living example of purity. I came of age in the 70’s and basically took part in much that was available. The remnants of the old walls were being kicked down and an army of us surged out of our confines and on to the world. We were possessed, or so we thought, of both freedom and omniscience and we made the best of it. Some did more, some did less, I have no idea who did what and I don’t care but it happened.

We were looking for something, love, acceptance, touch, belonging, intimacy, but all we were offered, or so it seemed was sex, drugs, and rock n roll. It was an enticing lure, great flashes of light, moments of arrival, followed by empty mornings with nothing left except to try to do it again. Whatever it was we were looking for was more than the temporary fix.

And people got hurt, really hurt.

Someone had to pay the bill for all the goodies and apparently it was going to be us. I hurt people and people hurt me. We were struggling to get to the top of the food chain and we became objects of conquest along the way. How far could you go? What could you get from another person without giving? We thought were free but we were really just parasites hanging off each other taking what we could and then leaving when a better host came along.

There is no such thing as “unsex”. Once you have sex with a person they are bound to you and now we understand the chemicals that make this happen. If you go from person to person and use each other as a kind of playground equipment you exponentially increase your risk of sickness, emotional barrenness, and pathos. The more “intimate” you become the less intimacy you are eventually able to experience. Everything you think you want from sex gets less the more you share it with different people.

Nobody told us stuff like that.

The truth is we probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. We thought we knew what we knew and we were certain there was no hook underneath the worm. We didn’t know there were people out there playing with our minds and emotions and souls for no other reason than to make money. We didn’t know that the rules we thought so prudish had come to humanity through the experience of generations of pain. We were young, we were stupid, and we thought we would live forever.

So I guess I’m a prude now.

I can’t change what happened even as I wish I could. There are more than a few people I should apologize to but its probably best that we keep to our separate paths. We had a party, a really big party, and every generation after us has had to clean up the mess.  Most of us regained our senses but by then the damage was still done. It’s tough being a kid, even tougher now because the world is so different and the stakes so much higher largely because of us.

I know better now. Actually I knew better then but just ignored the inner voice.  I see my scars. I see the train coming and I’m trying to push the car full of the people I care for, and people I don’t even know, off the tracks before impact even as I fear I’m too late. If I can’t have the best for my past I want the good for the future.

I guess that makes me, in this strange new world I helped create,  a prude but if it keeps somebody alive I’ll take it.

Wisdom from St. Augustine…

Great are you, O Lord, and exceedingly worthy of praise; your power is immense, and your wisdom beyond reckoning. And so we men, who are a due part of your creation, long to praise you – we also carry our mortality about with us, carry the evidence of our sin and with it the proof that you thwart the proud. You arouse us so that praising you may bring us joy, because you have made us and drawn us to yourself, and our heart is unquiet until it rests in you.

Grant me to know and understand, Lord, which comes first. To call upon you or to praise you? To know you or to call upon you? Must we know you before we can call upon you? Anyone who invokes what is still unknown may be making a mistake. Or should you be invoked first, so that we may then come to know you? But how can people call upon someone in whom they do not yet believe? And how can they believe without a preacher?

But scripture tells us that those who seek the Lord will praise him, for as they seek they find him, and on finding him they will praise him. Let me seek you then, Lord, even while I am calling upon you, and call upon you even as I believe in you; for to us you have indeed been preached. My faith calls upon you, Lord, this faith which is your gift to me, which you have breathed into me through the humanity of your Son and the ministry of your preacher.

How shall I call upon my God, my God and my Lord, when by the very act of calling upon him I would be calling him into myself? Is there any place within me into which my God might come? How should the God who made heaven and earth come into me? Is there any room in me for you, Lord, my God? Even heaven and earth, which you have made and in which you have made me – can even they contain you? Since nothing that exists would exist without you, does it follow that whatever exists does in some way contain you?

But if this is so, how can I, who am one of these existing things, ask you to come into me, when I would not exist at all unless you were already in me? Not yet am I in hell, after all but even if I were, you would be there too; for if I descend into the underworld, you are there. No, my God, I would not exist, I would not be at all, if you were not in me. Or should I say, rather, that I should not exist if I were not in you, from whom are all things, through whom are all things, in whom are all things? Yes, Lord, that is the truth, that is indeed the truth.

To what place can I invite you, then, since I am in you? Or where could you come from, in order to come into me? To what place outside heaven and earth could I travel, so that my God could come to me there, the God who said, I fill heaven and earth? Who will grant it to me to find peace in you? Who will grant me this grace, that you should come into my heart and inebriate it, enabling me to forget the evils that beset me and embrace you, my only good? What are you to me? Have mercy on me, so that I may tell. What indeed am I to you, that you should command me to love you, and grow angry with me if I do not, and threaten me with enormous woes? Is not the failure to love you woe enough in itself?

Alas for me! Through your own merciful dealings with me, O Lord my God, tell me what you are to me. Say to my soul, I am your salvation. Say it so that I can hear it. My heart is listening, Lord; open the ears of my heart and say to my soul, I am your salvation. Let me run towards this voice and seize hold of you. Do not hide your face from me: let me die so that I may see it, for not to see it would be death to me indeed.

I could bear the loss…

of anything in this world save for Jesus.  With him everything and everyone that I truly need will be held safely in his presence. Without him, no matter how pleasant the moment,  there is only emptiness.